LJ McDowall

Messing About With Words

MacDowall: An Elizabethan revenge tragedy recounting the just demise of Jar Jar Binks.

This piece of Elizabethan theatre snark revolves around a particular fantasy of mine. Please send me a request if there’s a favourite scene from a movie you would like to see snarked in iambics. Use the Farce!

MacDowall

Or, The Death of Jar Jar Binks

A Tragedy. 

ACT I

SCENE 1

LADY MacDOWALL, FIRST SWORD OF GALLOWAY, STANDS BEFORE THE PORTCULLIS OF CASTLE LUCAS. DRESSED IN TIGHT LEATHER TROUSERS AND A MAN’S DOUBLET, WITH KNEE-HIGH BUSKINS, SHE HOLDS A DRAWN RAPIER IN HER HAND.

LADY MacDOWALL:

I call ye, darkest aspects of the Force

And take my mirth for gall. I come unto

The dwelling place of George, Lord Lucas, now

to take him to a place of reckoning.

I come to slay the Beast that sheltereth

Here in this dark and gloomy Lucas Fort.

One Jar-Jar Binks, that bastard cur most foul,

hath in his time such dreadful anguish caus’d!

I’ll bid him drag before my mettl’d blade

That Binks! He the exaulted stage hath marr’d

With foppery to curdle mother’s milk.

O Comedy! Sweet Muse! O how she wept!

Forsooth, that Jar-Jar must his Makers meet,

his foppish foolish voice doth grate mine ears

with cantish whines meesa meesa! In some

desp’rate folly, George, Lord Lucas losing

ev’ry sense of timing — comic, tragic

or merely goodly sense of stories told—

hath foisted on us this monstrosity!

Death, say I! That foul and dev’lish Binks

Defiler nam’d! That ruiner of fun!

Shall meet his hell-judged end, ere day is done!

Hark! He comes!

[Enter Lord Lucas].

LORD LUCAS:

How now, my lady? How may I aid thee?

LADY MacDOWALL:

My Lord, know you I am come to charge you

Bring out that player that doth mar the stage

That I may put these gentle people out

Of miseries unnumber’d and unnam’d.

I would put  end to this calamity

Before thy play, nam’d War of the Heavens,

Cometh upon boards of Stratford. Speak!

Doth that player rest here within your walls?

Must this be cause of war between us, Sir?

LORD LUCAS:

Fair Master Binks doth well reside within

His mirthful bones berattl’d at this sight —

Of Galloway’s Dark Lady, steel in hand

And dress’d in raiment masculine. Meseems

It is not meet that you berate me so

For know you that my Master Binks, in truth

A Player is, among our company,

More priz’d than Hayden Christiansen he is,

Whose talent Master Jar Jar doth exceed!

LADY MacDOWALL:

I’faith, Lord Lucas, such accomplishment

would not be difficult to so attain!

LORD LUCAS:

You meet me here, my lady, and would come

Unto my house with rapier so drawn

To slay my player priz’d?

LADY MacDOWALL:

                                                      Milord, I would!

And know my cause to be a just one, Sir.

For surely you have cast them all so ill.

Aye! Even so! Lord Lucas, you should know

The plot is inconsistent with the first

Triad of plays the populace so lov’d.

LORD LUCAS:

Alarums sound, milady, at thy terms,

For gentle maid — nay, start not at my words —

My sweet and pious lady surely knoweth

The text and seeming shall be alteréd

So Continuity, goddess, raineth!

LADY MacDOWALL:

You mean to CHANGE thy plays?

LORD LUCAS:

Aye, even so!

LADY MacDOWALL:

O woe is me! En garde, my lord, for none

Who love the first three can attest unto

The merit of this newest triad, Sir!

LORD LUCAS: Mean you to insult, my lady MacDowall?

LADY MacDOWALL:

I do! Were a man, I’d call thee out!

[Lord Lucas draws his sword.]

LORD LUCAS:

And if I were a man, I would accept!

[They fight].

LADY MacDOWALL:

’Tis clear, sirrah, the reason for thy ire

though I would hazard educated guess —

I’d see this Jar-Jar’s mounted head bestuff’d

upon the wall of fierce and proud MacDowall.

Binks hath no player’s gifts nor has the Muse

Thalia bestowed her inspiration:

perchance I see all now, the only way.

Binks hath thy patronage.’Tis meet and right,

Jar-Jar must surely be thy catamite!

LORD LUCAS:

Thou’lt pay for that, thou saucy sharp-tongu’d wench!

Thou knowest Binks and I are merely friends!

[They further fight]


© LJ McDowall 2015.

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2 comments on “MacDowall: An Elizabethan revenge tragedy recounting the just demise of Jar Jar Binks.

  1. Pingback: Is Fan Fiction Lazy Writing? | LJ McDowall

  2. lovehanmade
    May 3, 2016

    Reblogged this on A Han-made Blog and commented:
    Love love love this thank you L J McDowall 😉

    Like

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